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Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in
everybody else's girl's LiveJournal:
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| Tuesday, July 12th, 2005 | | 12:29 am |
I've moved over to www.insanejournal.com. It's a smaller community, but I'm hoping it will get going. They only have one pro-ana community right now, called strive4beauty | | Sunday, July 3rd, 2005 | | 2:01 pm |
I was doing South Beach for a few days, but I really hated cutting out carbs. And it was way too much food, anyway. I was eating more on the diet than I do regularly. I'm going to try the Zone, but maybe I'll cut the portions all in half. | | Thursday, June 30th, 2005 | | 3:10 pm |
Roasted Eggplant and Peppers
1 eggplant, peeled, halved, sliced 2 red bell peppers, cut in thick strips 1 green bell pepper, cut in thick strip 1 onion, sliced 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil Basil Preheat oven to 350F. Place eggplant, peppers, onion in nonstick baking dish. Drizzle with oil. Bake for 20 minutes, basting regularly. Arrange vegetables on serving dish and garnish with basil. Serves 4 Per serving: 193 calories | | 3:05 pm |
Chicken en Papillote
4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves (about 1 lb) Pinch salt Pinch black pepper 2 scallions, chopped 1 medium carrot, sliced diagonally 1 small zucchini, cut lengthwise in half, then crosswise into 1/2" pieces 1 tsp tarragon 1/2 tsp grated orange zest Heat oven to 450 F. Cut four 2-foot lengths of foil. Fold each in half to make 1 foot square. Place a breast slightly below the middle of each square. In a small bowl, combine scallions, carrot, zucchini, tarragon, orange zest. Spoon 1/4 of the vegetable mixture over each chicken breast. Fold the foil over the chicken and crimp edges together tightly. Bake for 20 minutes on baking sheet. To serve, cut X in top of each packet with scissors and tear to open. Serves 4 Calories per serving: 144 | | 2:11 pm |
South Beach Chopped Salad with Tuna
6 oz water-packed tuna 1/3 cup chopped cucumber 1/3 cup chopped tomato 1/3 cup chopped avocado 1/3 cup chopped celery 1/3 cup chopped radishes 1 cup chopped romaine lettuce 4 tsp extra-virgin olive oil 2 tbsp lime juice 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped 1/2 tsp black pepper Layer the tuna, cucumber, tomato, avocatdo, celery, radishes and lettuce. Mix the olive oil, lime juice, garlic and pepper, and drizzle over the salad. 506 calories | | 2:08 pm |
Turkey Roll Up
1 slice turkey breast 1 medium Boston lettuce leaf Cilantro Mayonnaise1 scallion 1 red bell pepper strip Place turkey on lettuce spread with mayo. Add scallion and pepper strip. Fold into a tight, cigarlike roll. 90 calories | | 2:05 pm |
Cilantro Mayonnaise
3/4 cup light mayonaisse 3/4 cup loosely packed cilantro leaves 1 tbsp lime juice 1 tsp light soy sauce 1 small clove garlic Blend the ingredients in blender or food processor until smooth. Yield 3/4 cup per tablespoon: 36 calories | | 8:57 am |
Vanilla Ricotta Creme
1/2 cup part-skim ricotta cheese 1/4 tsp vanilla extract 1 pckge sugar substitute Mix together in dessert bowl. Serve chilled. Serves 1- 178 calories | | 8:47 am |
Broiled Salmon with Rosemary
1 pound salmon 2 tsp extra-virgin olive oil 2 tsp lemon juice 1/4 tsp salt Pinch black pepper 2 cloves garlic, minced 1 tsp rosemary Cut fish into 4 portions. Combine olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, garlic, rosemary in a bowl. Brush mixture onto the fish. To broil, spray rack of broiler pan with olive oil cooking spray and arrange fish on it. Broil 4" from heat for 4-6 minutes per 1/2" thickness. If fish is more than 1" thick, gently turn it halfway through broiling. Serves 4 231 calories per serving | | Wednesday, June 29th, 2005 | | 10:30 pm |
| | 3:38 pm |
Vegetable Quiche Cups
4 oz spinach 3/4 cup liquid egg substitute 3/4 cup shredded low-fat cheese 1/2 green bell pepper (diced) 1/4 cup diced onion Mix everything together. Spray a 12-cup muffin pan with cooking spray. Divide the mixture evenly among the muffin cups. Bake at 350 F for 20 minutes (or until a knife inserted comes out clean). Quiche cups can be frozen and reheated. 77 calories per 2 cups. | | 12:40 pm |
Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing
1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil 1/3 cup balsamic vinegar 2 tsp thyme 1/4 tsp salt 1/8 tsp white pepper 1 tbsp basil Combine in screw-top jar. Cover and shake. Makes 2/3 cup | | Thursday, December 30th, 2004 | | 3:39 pm |
Mocha Ricotta Creme
1/2 cup part-skim ricotta cheese 1/2 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder 1/4 tsp vanilla extract 1 pkg sugar substitute Dash espresso powder 5 mini chocolate chips Mix together ricotta, cocoa, vanilla, sugar substitute. Serve chilled with a dusting of espresso powder and sprinkled with mini chocolate chips. 261 calories | | Thursday, May 27th, 2004 | | 9:50 am |
Calculate your Needs
Take your weight in lbs and multiply it by 11. (If you are a man, multiply it by 12.) This number tells you how many calories you would burn if you were asleep 24/7. 1557.5 My body needs 1557.5 calories a day to maintain my current weight, if all I do is sleep. http://primusweb.com/cgi-bin/fpc/actcalc.pl | | Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003 | | 9:47 pm |
Niki has brought it to my attention that I've been forgetting to post. I guess I've been kind of depressed. My weight's gone up to 126lbs, I'm a huge pig, and I'm not posting anywhere. Not here, not in message boards, not on my web site, nowhere. I'm sure I'll be back soon. I just feel like I'm getting bigger and I'm too depressed to care. I just have to wait till I have the motivation to get back to my losing streak. As for Mr. Marvellous, he came to town, brought me a rose, took me out to the fair, spent the night, and went back home again. He's calling me/emailing me every day, and I'm reciprocating, but I'm just not into it. I'm kind of depressed and not into anything right now. I don't know whether to just break it off with him for lack of interest, or if I should just try to keep it together until this depression goes away, because maybe I'll really like him again by then. I don't know. I'm still reading my friend's page (except for communities), but I'm not commenting much, sorry. | | Wednesday, August 27th, 2003 | | 12:13 pm |
Mr. Marvelous phoned last night, and said that he's coming to town on Thursday afternoon. I'm nervous. Especially because I don't know about sleeping arrangements. I have no idea if he intends to stay the night, or if he's just staying for the afternoon. And I'm not at home, I'm at my mother's for the week, taking care of my niece while my sister's at work. Mum's out of town, so I can have her bed, but if he sleeps with me my brother will definitely tell on me, and my mother will be livid. She's absolutely Victorian when it comes to sex in her house -- never mind in her bed. And there's nowhere else to put him but the couch. I wish there was an extra room here -- I wouldn't care about my mother being pissed off about me sleeping with him in her house, but her bed is really a bit much. Anyway, gonna run. I'm cleaning like mad so that the house looks clean tomorrow. My brother has been living here alone all summer, and it's an absolute sty. | | Tuesday, August 26th, 2003 | | 11:35 am |
Mr. Marvelous
I met a hottie on the weekend. I was hoping he'd call last night, but he didn't, so I sent him an email this morning, just saying hello. He wrote back saying that he'd tried to call last night, but got the machine (which doesn't say my name on it) and thought it was a wrong number so didn't leave a message. He said he's gonna call me tonight, and is hoping to come see me on Thursday afternoon. :) | | Monday, August 25th, 2003 | | 8:17 pm |
Week 6
Current weight: 122 Last week: 122 Pounds lost this week: 0 Pounds lost since start: 6 Height: 5'8" I lost nothing this week. :( I was camping, then I went to a wedding. And I haven't been following my diet at all. At least I didn't gain. I've been getting as much exercise as I can to compensate. | | Monday, August 18th, 2003 | | 1:57 pm |
going camping. haven't read friends page since 2 nights ago; will be away for 3 days; then will catch up. seeya in the funny pages! | | Sunday, August 17th, 2003 | | 3:53 am |
I am also thinner than Christina Ricci, who had a bmi of 18.6 at 5'1 and 98. I have a bmi of 18.59 at 5'8 and 122lbs. Movieline.com interview: Christina Ricci walks into the living room of her home in the Hollywood Hills, sits down, lights a cigarette, and takes a swig from a bottle half-filled with orange swill. "What's in the bottle?" I ask.
"You mean The Crack?" she says. "It's lemon juice, water, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. I'm on a liquid fast. When I'm done I'll feel cracked out." FilmographyMiranda (2002) Laramie Project (2002) Gathering (2002) Pumpkin (2002) All Over the Guy (2001) Adrenalynn (2001) Prozac Nation (2001) Man Who Cried (2000) Bless the Child (2000) Sleepy Hollow (1999) 200 Cigarettes (1999) No Vacancy (1999) Small Soldiers (1998) Opposite of Sex (1998) Desert Blue (1998) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) Souvenir (1998) Buffalo '66 (1998) I Woke Up Early the Day I Died (1998) Pecker (1998) That Darn Cat (1997) Ice Storm (1997) Little Red Riding Hood (1997) Last of the High Kings (1996) Bastard Out of Carolina (1996) Casper (1995) Now and Then (1995) Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain (1995) Cemetery Club (1993) Addams Family Values (1993) Hard Way (1991) Addams Family (1991) Mermaids (1990) I have a motivational rule for my usericons. I can only begin using a celebrity's picture when I have reached a lower weight than she. I hope it will motivate me both to lose, and not to gain anything back, because then I will have to go back to a larger person's icon. | | Saturday, August 16th, 2003 | | 1:29 pm |
Christina Aguilera
As of today, I am thinner than Christina Aguilera (when she was thin), who at 5'2 and 102lbs, had a bmi of 18.7. I have a bmi of 18.59 at 5'8" and 122lbs. Q Magazine Interview: The first thing you notice about her is that she is really small - 5'2 in her socks. "A lot of people are surprised when they see how tiny I am," she says after introducing herself with a dainty yet firm handshake. "I've always been known as the little girl with the big voice."
Looking down the menu Aguilera decides against eating and orders a bloody mary. Today she wears camouflage flip-flops, red baseball cap and ripped jeans. A black Yankees T-shirt doesn't quite cover her tanned midriff, instantly nixing the ruour that she might be anorexic. "I've got to work on my tummy a little bit" Filmography2001 Moulin Rouge 2001 Night Club of Your Dreams: The Making of Moulin Rouge 2001 MTV Icon: Janet Jackson (2001) 2000 Christina Aguilera: Genie Gets Her Wish 2000 Christina Aguilera: Out of the Bottle 2000 Party in the Park 2000 2000 Christina Aguilera: My Reflection Best Video: I Am Beautiful I have a motivational rule for my usericons. I can only begin using a celebrity's picture when I have reached a lower weight than she. I hope it will motivate me both to lose, and not to gain anything back, because then I will have to go back to a larger person's icon. | | Friday, August 15th, 2003 | | 6:15 pm |
period (keeping track)
17th June --(24 days) 11th July --(22 days) 2nd August --(10 days) 12th August This is stupid. On August 2nd, I had a skimpy little period...just spotting for about 3 hours. Then, just ten days later, I got another one, another skimpy little one, spotting for about 1 day. wtf? | | 5:25 pm |
i spent a few days with my dad, so i had to eat. tuesday--mcdonald's fruit n' yogurt parfait, subway veggie salad, no dressing, no cheese, 2 beer wednesday--small fry, all-bran cereal, strawberries, jujube candies thursday--nothing weight--still 124 | | 12:54 pm |
| | Saturday, August 9th, 2003 | | 11:53 pm |
I think I'm officially a freak. I just counted every single fettucini noodle in the bag to see how many there were, in order to figure out how many grams an individual noodle weighed, knowing that there were 900g in the whole bag, then determining how many calories were in an individual noodle, so I would know how many noodles I could add to my soup. Answer: 3 fettucini noodles adds 10 calories to my 13 calorie soup stock, so that the meal totals 23 calories in all. Then I cooked 3 fettucini noodles. I was still cooking when my roommate got home. "Good, she'll see me eating and not bother me today," I thought, not even considering the fact that a normal person wouldn't be boiling 3 fettucini noodles. Oops. Yup. Freak is me. Excuse: I was just testing the water, to see if it was hot enough to put the rest of the noodles in. | | 6:27 pm |
The Grocery Store
I went to buy my Mr. Noodles. The grocery store made me salivate just walking in the door, I was that hungry. I grabbed 10 of those gummy candies that you're supposed to buy in bulk, and ate them while I shopped (that's my ritual-- I don't know why, but I can't grocery shop without them). The Mr. Noodles were gross! 481 calories per package!!! They didn't tell me how it was divided between seasoning and noodles, but it didn't matter. That's too many calories for two days, however it's divided. So I bought a chicken soup stock instead. One teaspoon is 13 calories, and with 1 cup of hot water, you've got a great soup! I looked at crackers. It took me 20 minutes to choose the best brand, whole wheat, sodium free, low fat. 17 calories per cracker. If I had just one with my soup, I could afford three meals a day for sure. But then I realized that I was not going to be able to walk home from the grocery store with that whole box of crackers, without eating a bunch of them on the way home. (I'm good once my food is organized and put away, but heaven help me on the way home from the grocery store.) So I didn't buy the crackers. Instead, I bought a banana for the way home, Crystal Light for breakfast, and jello light for lunch. As I walked home, I ate the banana soooo slowly. I had a sudden memory of me eating a banana in grade 2, watching the clock in the lunch room, stretching it out for the whole half hour we were alloted for lunch. And I feel so gross and full now. That's why I'm writing this all out. It's keeping me from remembering my stomach, and how distended it feels. Logically, I know that 10 candies and a banana in like, 3 days, is not really that bad. But my stomach is too full, and I keep thinking that with my starvation-lowered metabolism, maybe that's enough to put on a couple of pounds. I hope not. Anyway, new daily meal plan: Breakfast: Crystal Lite 5 calories Water: 2 litres Snack: Crystal Lite 5 calories Lunch: Jello 15 calories Water: 2 litres Dinner: Chicken Soup Stock 13 calories Water: 2 litres Midnight Snack: Chicken Soup Broth: 13 calories Daily total: 51 Calories Daily total: | | 4:25 pm |
Does anybody know how many calories are in mr. noodles soup stock? And in the noodles naked? I used to eat one packet of noodles every other day, and the next day I would eat a broth out of the stock. I'm thinking I'm going to start this again, but I'd like to be able to count the calories. | | 4:55 am |
essay
Okay, so I've revamped the first part, and done a draft of a new section on Catherine's political role. Next, I get to move on to her anorexia. ( Read more... ) | | 4:46 am |
Oh man. I'm on my third day of restricting to between 100 and 200 calories a day, and I've started chewing at the inside of my mouth. I can't seem to stop myself, I keep doing it before I notice. And it's getting sore. If I had any money for cigarettes, I'd be smoking. :( But I don't. So I just have to suffer. | | 12:25 am |
Some of my research on the religious/political climate between the middle ages and the renaissance
As my posts last night make completely obvious, I'm researching anorexia in a historical and religious context. I'm looking at Catherine of Siena, Uncumber, various "miraculous maids", the Bronte sisters, studying them all within their own sociocultural framework and making my own thesis, a treatise on anorexia throughout history, from a feminist gaze. I'm so obsessive. I can't just read up on a subject without becoming so involved that I'm writing huge thesis papers on it. Oh well, keeps me from eating, right? Anyway, here's the most comprehensive bit that I've written so far. It doesn't even really get into anorexia yet. It's looking at the factors influencing the state of the church during St. Catherine's time period, which I need to establish in order to get into how she was able, as a female member of a lay piety order, to influence Popes and whatnot. I don't want to focus exclusively on her anorexia, because I want to show how strong she was as a woman and political force as well as being anorexic. I don't want to portray her as weak victim in any sense, but as someone capable of making her own choices, just as she was capable of influencing major players in the political development of her society. (I'm such a nerd) ( If you're a nerd, too, read it and tell me what you think )Oh, and by the way, I'm down to 124lbs, BMI 18.89!!! Just three more pounds till I'm officially underweight. | | Friday, August 8th, 2003 | | 4:41 am |
| | 3:46 am |
http://www.poets.ca/pshstore/cata3/major.htm
A Supplication To Saint Anorexia Take this defect from me that I may become perfect. Strengthen me to purge this appetite, this craving of body. It lies just beyond this point, elusive will-o-wisp, the almost unachievable. It is a door so narrow few may pass through. Hone me to the slivered slenderness of a knife blade. Lay my edge to the throat of imperfection. You have set the keen tip of desire in my veins. Fiercely I pare my gross flesh. Stubborn I close my stained lips. Keep this food from my mouth. Take this cup from my lips. © Alice Major, 2002. | | 2:50 am |
http://216.239.53.104/search?q=cache:XNTsgUicO5gJ:www.philipresheph.com/a424/study/lacey.doc+saints,
Remember the saint who avoided marriage by praying to God, who made her grow a beard to be unattractive? She was one of those fasting saints. Maybe she just had lanugo... ( St. Wilgefortis (Uncumber) )The ascetic movement with its emphasis on fasting, purging, insomnia, and heroic hyperactivity is all a part of the struggle against the flesh advocated by the early austere Christians. The cult of St Wilgefortis is a later example, and no claim is being made here that she is the first recorded case of anorexia nervosa. (After all, in the fourth century St Jerome, writing to his protégé Eustochium, a young well-born girl, said, Let your companions be women, pale and thin with fasting such as daily, say, with true earnestness 'I have a desire to depart and be with Christ'."19 Eustochium's sister, Blessila, also under St Jerome's tutelage, died of just such a regimen of fasting and is possibly the earliest recorded victim of anorexia.) ================================= This is funny, because when I was a teenager, I could always get away with fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays without parental interference. Because those are fast days held by the Catholic Church. (They're optional, of course). Lent was good for that, too. Okay, back to St. Uncumber... ================================ ( Read More of the Essay ) | | 2:02 am |
http://www.albany.edu/scj/jcjpc/vol8is1/reda.html
Catholics are baptized as babies, where their parents and godparents take responsibility for their spiritual grownth. Around age 14, they have Confirmation, a ceremony where they take on responsibility for their own spirituality. They choose a patron saint as mentor and model. I was raised Catholic. I chose St. Catherine of Siena as my patron saint. How coincidental. I'd never even heard of "holy anorexia" but I identified strongly with her. ( Essay about St. Catherine and her Anorexia )Included in this was the constant necessity of total control of her body. To yield to food was to yield to sin, to deceive God, to lose all the power that she had laboriously garnered, erasing the sense of identity gained from the victory over her opposition to family regulation. It is of little matter, then, if she did not feel understood by her opponents (in the medieval time compared to ours). Indeed, incomprehension provided the stimulus to go on. The challenge continued to provide a way for her to confirm her true sense of identity. In doing so she won more than mere Holiness, but as well became Doctor of the Church and Patron of Italy and Europe. The period of holy anorexia was, however, of short duration. Already in the 16th century the church was not tolerating asceticism, and anorexics were labeled as witches and consigned to the stake. by Mario Reda University of Siena and Giuseppe Sacco University of Siena | | 1:28 am |
Sorry, I don't know who wrote it
Power and Hunger: Self-will and self-starvation in the novels and lives of Emily and Charlotte Bronte In the fictional worlds of Charlotte and Emily Brontë, one of the few ways that women who otherwise have very little say in their lives are able to express dissatisfaction is through self-starvation and illness. It is noteworthy that in their own lives the Bronte sisters exhibited many eccentric habits in regards to eating, and both Charlotte and (especially) Emily engaged in self-starvation similar to the strategies used by the characters in their novels. Anorexia is a general term that describes the decline of appetite or aversion to food, though it is most commonly used to refer to self-starvation. Anorexia was not new during the time of the Brontës. Although eating disorders are often thought of as being a modern day phenomenon, it is in fact only widespread diagnosis that is a recent occurrence. Those who had no other means to wield power, other than in terms of individual self-control, have long used starvation and fasting as a means of exerting control over an environment in which they felt powerless. ( Read more... )Charlotte and Emily Brontë used fasting as a way to express their independence at a time when few other avenues were available, but in a way that still fell within the bounds of the acceptable. When they were unable to speak out against an employment situation, they allowed their wasting bodies to do the talking for them, and their heroines were permitted to sink into starvation-induced illness. Not long after finishing Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë died of consumption, which was surely exacerbated by her many bouts of anorexia. Her coffin-maker had to construct the narrowest coffin he had ever made for an adult; it measured only sixteen inches across (Vine). | | 1:00 am |
So I was about to binge. I have been keeping the binge-impulse at bay for an hour or so now, successfully. I went into the kitchen looking for an oxo cube so that I could make an almost no-cal soup. But I couldn't find any, so I opened the fridge and almost ate a sheperd's pie. But I didn't. I went for a glass of water instead. Then I found my arm reaching toward the food cupboard, about to grab something. I almost didn't realize what it was doing. But I stopped it. I had another glass of water. Now I'm in bed looking up blood pressure information online on my laptop. I decided to eat some chocolate. I even got out of bed and opened the closet door (where I hide my chocolate). But I somehow stopped myself, closed the door, and went back to the computer. And I'm having a cigarette instead. (And a glass of water.) I love the feeling when you've already decided to binge, but manage to stop yourself. It makes me feel so in control of myself, to be in control even when I think I'm not. I just hope I can keep this demon at bay for the rest of the night. | | Thursday, August 7th, 2003 | | 10:48 pm |
did you know that there was such a thing as anorexic porn?
Wow! I had no idea that porn-viewers were interested in such extremely thin women. I guess there really is a fetish for everything. But I have to wonder whether it's anorexics looking for triggers who view this site more often than gross fat men looking for fantasy fodder.
I think this is the perfect body. I love the way her tiny breasts stick out the same amount as her hipbones and the bottom of her ribcage. It's so uniform, so perfect.
I know that's probably pretty sick of me, but I can't help how attractive I find this woman's body. I want my body to be like hers. I didn't used to. I used to want a model-thin body. I didn't realize that at 5'8 and 102lbs, I already had one. So I guess I was aiming for this woman's body without knowing that it was my goal. But now that my body dysmorphia has abated, and I can see myself as I really am (thin), I recognize that it's an emaciated look that I'm going for. My goal may be 99lbs, but I don't think I'll want to stop. Oh well, first I have to get there, right? | | 2:43 am |
On a Cheerier Note...
My roommate saw me today in boxers and a tank top and was surprised by how skinny I looked. He said my back looked really skinny, that my tank top was just hanging off me, miles too big. It made me feel good, but I think it was pretty much an illusion, because I slept in the tanktop last night so it's all stretched out, making me look smaller inside it. It'll probably fit tightly again after I wash it. Still made me feel good though. :) | | 12:02 am |
Something is wrong with me
I was supposed to go out with Roomie and his Chum tonight. They wonder why I never go out with them anymore, why all I do is work on my computer all night long, or read books, never sleeping. I've really isolated myself. So tonight, I told them I would go out with them. Good exercise, dancing is, if I don't drink any beer. I could just say I wasn't drinking because I have no money. That meant I had a few sips of beer while we were getting ready, just to allay the suspicion about not drinking later. My roommate did my hair, then I went back to my book. Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher. Completely triggering. I am in the chapter where she gets locked up, and speaks of some of the terrible effects her disease had on her body. And I started feeling my blood pressure all wrong, my breathing irregular, a weight on my belly. I felt dizzy. I told myself that I was just over-identifying with the character, something I tend to do when I read. I put the book down and stood up. Whoops. I hardly made it out of the living room. I knew I couldn't possibly go out tonight. Something was wrong with me. I told everybody I was too tired, and went to lay on the couch. When they left, I went to the kitchen for some carrot sticks. I just need to eat, I told myself. But my stomach felt full and bloated, even though all I've had today was a few handfuls of chocolate chips and water. I could hardly swallow the carrot stick. My heart was funny, my head was blacking out, I was trying to identify the feeling in my stomach, which was getting worse. Not full, not hungry, what was it? When I noticed a faint flavour of vomit in the carrot stick I was still chewing, I recognized the feeling in my stomach. It was a sick-to-my-stomach feeling I don't remember how I made it to the bathroom. My body was disoriented, my head was dizzy, I was weak, tired, my blood pressure was high, my heart was beating too fast. But I remember being on the toilet, going number 2. I hardly ever go number two. What the hell was in there? I didn't eat anything. Oh, that's right, I had a binge last night. But I had to puke, too, what was I going to do? They should invent toilets like Saturday Night Live's Love Toilet, for the eating disordered. I needed a second toilet facing me. I tried to wait until I was finished, but I couldn't. Suddenly, my stomach lurched and I was (I thought, in that split second) bleeding a copious amount of blood from my mouth. I didn't have my period this month, so it's coming out my mouth instead, I thought in my disoriented state. No, it's not blood-- it's shit! I thought. How could I be puking already-digested food? What the hell is wrong with my body?!! Then I realized that it was chocolate. My disorientation left. I was still puking, still sitting upright on the toilet, trying to aim between my legs. How much fucking chocolate did I eat? I wondered. But I had a few litres of water, too, so it's probably both. Then I was puking bile, and I felt immensely better. Not sick anymore. I tried to get up off the toilet, but my legs were to weak to hold me. I was a mess. Undigested chocolate all over me, the toilet, the floor, my pants. And my muscles almost too weak to move. I somehow made it over to the bathtub and lay down, letting the shower rince me clean. Something is not right with this, I thought. I'm not doing nice things to my body. This is just not right, not normal. I have to stop. Maybe I really do have an eating disorder, I thought. I felt kind of like an after-school-special. But no, no made-for-ABC-special would be so grossly graphic as to show their poor victim in such indignity, lying in a pooling bath of her own chocolate vomit. After I while, I stood up, showered, and cleaned up the bathroom. Feeling a lot better. I'm eating some carrot sticks and trying to decide whether or not I should take some more fat-burner pills. I'm afraid I might have just puked up the ones I took earlier. Or maybe they were the problem. I don't ususally take pills. I don't know. I was so scared earlier. Terrified. Absolutely terrified that something bad was going to happen. But now I'm just thankful that my roommate and his friends had already left by the time it happened. Can you imagine trying to explain that one, if it had happened while they were still here? Or worse, if we all had have left before I realized something was wrong, and I would have had that attack in the club, or in the taxi? Pretty lucky. | | Wednesday, August 6th, 2003 | | 4:00 pm |
In a few different forums now, people have been talking about how their eating disorder started, and why, and whether or not they were predisposed to it. So I'm starting a little mini-essay series about my own ed, starting with my childhood. I'd be really interested in reading anybody else's ed development, as well. So this is the second part: When I was a little girl, more than anything else, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to make myself over again and again, into perfect renditions of other people. When we moved from Southern to Northern Ontario, I had a hard time adjusting and making friends. I had never felt the need to make friends at my old school. I could read, and I would spend my recesses submerged in Little House on the Prairie or Cherry Ames, Girl Nurse. Friends were an afterthought. My cousin Theresa was idol and mentor, and of course my cousins Derek and Brian, the twins, were in my class and lived next door. We spent evenings in Fairyland, spinning tales of knightly conquest and maidenly devotion, hiding from our respective younger siblings, or the boys would climb trees while I pored over my books. Having so many ready-made friends in my cousins meant that I had no need to learn to make friends. So moving 5 hours away, to a new town and a new school where I knew no one and no one cared to know me, was a big adjustment. I was shy in front of my peers, and isolated myself further in my books, rather than face the scary real, world. I had discovered Anne of Green Gables, Trixie Belden and Agatha Christie. I acted out my favourite books, memorizing passages, dressing up in costume and pretending I was an actor, hired to play my favourite characters in movies based on the books. I had books for my playmates and acting for my games. What needed I of flesh-and-blood friends? The only time I condescended to play with other children was when we were making movies (which I of course, directed) with our video camera. I had no friends of my own, but my revisions of such classics as Romeo and Juliet, The Wizard of Oz and Cinderella, were enough to entice my pretty and popular little sister, along with her friends, to act in my productions. My sister was the usual star of these masterpieces, as I was beginning to think of myself as ugly and unworthy to play more than a character part (such as Romeo's mother, or a wicked stepmother. I spent as much time in my fantasies as possible. I hated the real world. Even when I was falling asleep, I wouldn't allow myself to be alone with myself. I made believe I was a Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, trapped in a long sleep, waiting for my Prince. Or I was Mary Ingalls, sleeping in my little bed in the Little House, where I could hear the comforting sounds of Ma and Pa breathing in the next room. Safe and secure. I was always reading when I should have been doing homework. I still got As in English, Creative Writing, Spelling, Grammar, and other subjects that held my interest. But I was getting Cs in Math, in Science, in Geography. And Ds in Gym. I was becoming aware of my body. I misinterpreted flesh as fat. I was apalled by the way my thighs spread when I sat down, disgusted by the roundness of my tummy. Daisy Duke's tummy was flat, not round. And my popular little sister was nothing but bones. I began to copy what she did, trying to eat as little as she did, snacking only when she did. I didn't think of it as dieting, just as following the example of someone who was, in my eyes, perfect. My self-esteem was dropping. I felt ugly and worthless in the real world, and so escaped into my books and plays. I wanted to grow up into a beautiful and worthy adult, an actress who would spend her whole life escaping into the fantasy of plays and movies. | | 9:11 am |
This sounds weird, but I'm feeling good even though I screwed up yesterday. I stayed up all night, which makes me disoriented, as if I haven't eaten, and I guess I'm fooling myself into believing that the disorientation is from fasting. I also have a new rule, which has helped me all night when I've had little temptations. It's sounds stupid, but I can only eat at 28 minutes after hour, and only for that 60s seconds. So if I'm tempted to weat something, I have to wait for the clock to be right at 10:28 or whatever. And most of the time, by the time the hour rolls around, I've forgotten and missed it and have to wait till the next hour, which I miss too. Or even if I don't miss it, by the time I get up and get to the kitchen, I've missed the 60second allotment in which I get to eat, so I have to wait anyway. It's working really well, because I keep telling myself, "don't worry, you can have something next hour:28" and that seems to satisfy me. It's easier than convincing yourself to wait to eat till tomorrow, or two days from now, or whatever. :) | | 2:45 am |
oh my god!
I wrote this when I was 19 (if you haven't noticed, I've been going through old journals tonight) I can't believe how awful I was to myself. This wasn't a poem, it was me talking to myself in my journal, so upset and angry with myself that the handwriting was terrible and the pen ripped into the page. Self-Portrait, 1994 Hi fat girl, you stupid bitch. Ugly, ugly, fat fat fat! Blob big blob bouncing blobbing blobby bulge Rolls of big bulging bouncing blobs Big blobby bouncing bum Barf Bitch Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly Naked bare naked honest ugly truth Can't hide your ugly face behind your ugly hair You make me sick fat girl fat fat fat fucking fat fuck face fat girl girl ugly girl Bitch Die bitch die bitch fat girl slobby blob Slobby Blobby Bouncing Bulging Barfing Bitch Alone Lonely forever and ever Fat fat girl fuck fat girl In Crowds of People SKINNY and FAT You are the ugliest the fattest fuck head Fuck you I hate you Bitch Barfing Bitch Fasting Fatty Stupid Slut Slobby Blob Fat fatter fattest That's You Ugly fat Stupid fucking fat girl | | 1:57 am |
house of sins
'People have called me all the names under the sun because of my website, but they can say whatever they want: I'm not listening,' said Julia, a 21-year-old American student from Boston who has been anorexic since she was nine and now runs House of Sins, one of the most popular websites. 'I know that to anyone who isn't anorexic these groups seem like the world's most evil event, but society stopped listening to the anorexic community a long time ago, and left us with no help except that which we could offer each other,' she said. | | 1:39 am |
Maureen Rice Observer Sunday July 29, 2001
There are two main programmes: one for 'restrictive' eating disorders, patients who are anorexic and severely limiting the quantity and range of foods they eat, and another for 'impulsive' eating disorders, which includes vomiting after eating, self-harming, drug and alcohol abuse and 'sexual disinhibition'.
'There are differences in the personalities of the two types,' says Chris. 'The restrictive anorexic is desperate for control. She will usually be highly disciplined and rigidly organised. Her illness will probably have affected her whole life - she won't have many social contacts, won't go out much, and may be tormented by rituals surrounding eating or not eating. For instance, she may allow herself to eat just once a day, at six o'clock, and her food must be cut into four equal parts. If something happens, so she misses that six o'clock set time, she won't eat at all.
'The impulsive is the opposite - she is always out of control. She'll be late for everything. Showing up 10 minutes late for an appointment, she might turn around and go home because "there's no point". She'll appear to agree with her treatment, but change her mind the next day. But superficially, she often seems better than the restrictive anorexic. She often has friends and a good job. The impulsive may need a broader range of therapies to treat all her behaviours, but the anorexic will be harder to reach and engage.'
Most of the patients develop eating disorders at a young age. 'When they come in, they could be 20,' explains Chris. 'The first thing I might ask them is how old they really feel, because they feel as old as they were when the disorder started. That's when they stopped. The treatment is designed to bring them up to their real age, but it's very compressed. They might be going through four or five years' worth of developing in six months. It's terrifying, and unbelievably hard.'
| | 1:16 am |
haha!
I hate being ugly!!!
That's why no one will ever love me. Unless maybe it's a blind guy....
Quote from me, at 16. | | Tuesday, August 5th, 2003 | | 11:59 pm |
Part 1
In a few different forums now, people have been talking about how their eating disorder started, and why, and whether or not they were predisposed to it. So I'm starting a little mini-essay series about my own ed, starting with my childhood. I'd be really interested in reading anybody else's ed development, as well. So this is the first part: When I was a small child, more than anything else, I wanted to be like my big cousin Theresa. I thought she was perfect. We had so much fun together, playing in the wooded areas of the countryside where we lived, inhabiting Fairyland (the little forests next to my parents' property) with mischievous elves and evil witches; imagining mermaids and seacreatures into the lake on which Theresa lived. There was never a moment of our time together which was not enhanced by imagination into a world of enchantment and intrigue. Every lunch we ate together was poisoned, every adult who spoke to us was a sorceror in disguise.Theresa was my idol. She'd written a marvellous children's book (although she couldn't seem to find a publisher) by the age of eleven. One of the proudest moments of my girlhood was when her mother, my Auntie Colleen, said to me after I thanked her for having me overnight, "It was a pleasure, dear. You're no problem at all. Just like having another Theresa." High praise indeed, considering that every adult knew Theresa to be above reproach in her demeanor. She was a very spiritual girl, not only prayerful and religious, but kind, too. As a grade five student, she never minded having me, a puny grade one, tag along with her and her best friend on the playground. Another such shining moment occurred after I'd shyly whispered to Theresa that she was my favourite cousin. "You're my favourite cousin, too," she told me back. Such bliss had never been hoped for! We had many cousins, after all, and I was certainly not the closest girl to Theresa's age. But we were kindred spirits. She was an older, more exciting, more accomplished version of me. She was introspective, like me. She liked reading, like me. She wrote stories, like me. She loved theatre, like me. There were four years between us, but they never seemed to make a difference when we were together. Of course, not all of my moments of glory were in being compared to Theresa. I was confident and proud of myself for my own acheivements, too. I knew I was smart, and prided myself on that fact. I was the best reader in my class, capable of reading adult books, even in grade one. My prowess at reading gave me an advanced vocabulary and a talent at writing. I planned on being a writer when I grew up, and had already started writing full stories in the blank book given to me by my mother for that purpose. I won the award for best student and had my name published in the paper that year. I had insecurities. My father lost his job, and moved away for a few months, working in another city, renting an apartment until he could afford to rent a house there and send for us all. I was terrified that my mother was going to leave too. I would lay awake every night, listening for her, making sure she was still there. I would creep out of bed, again and again, silently tiptoeing down to the living room to make sure she was still there, running back at fullspeed when I heard her yell, "Get back to bed!" But even that voice didn't reassure me. I was afraid that she may have set up an elaborate system of cassette tapes, set to play that recorded sentence when movement was detected in the house. I would lay in bed, going over plans for survival. I would take my little sister over to my Auntie Shirlie's house next door. We would live with her. But what if my mother took my sister too? What if Auntie Shirlie and her family also left? What if I was going to be left completely alone? I was terrified. And I was locked all alone into my terror, for of course I couldn't confide in anyone, for fear they were in on the plot and might tell my mother that I was on to her, thus speeding her departure. I had a terrible fear of abandonment, but for the most part, I liked myself, and was confident in my abilities. My mentor was someone similar to me, who shared my interests, and whose abilities were enhanced only by our age difference. | | 11:14 pm |
Emma Forrest
I wanted pain on demand, instant gratification. That was when I started cutting. We're the MTV soundbite generation, after all. I could never be an anorexic: I have such a short attention span and it's going to take at least three months before any-one asks you if you're all right.'
Emma Forrest | | 5:32 pm |
I guess chocolate is no longer my safe food. I always have a huge bag of chocolate chips around, which I use when my blood sugar gets low and I need some sugar fast to keep from fainting. I don't count it as food, since I think of it as medicinal, and eating it never makes me binge. Well, it never used to anyway. I was feeling dizzy, and grabbed a handful of chocolate chips from my stash, just to fix the lightheadedness. Then I took another handful. And another. Then I was eating chocolate until I felt sick. I went to the kitchen, ate all the potato salad in the fridge, (which I made for my roommates the other day to think that I was eating -- I never intended to actually eat any of it), four hot dogs, and crackers. I still didn't feel full, so I got out the raw carrots and ate them until I felt sick. I don't know what to do now. I don't even want to count the calories I've just eaten. I don't even want to purge. And I still feel like binging! What the hell is wrong with me? I wasn't even tasting any of my food. Just scarfing it in and swallowing fast. | | Monday, August 4th, 2003 | | 11:30 pm |
1/0/10
I just finished my first day of the 28-day-challenge. I did great, only ate a weiner and a carrot. So why is it now that I'm tempted to binge? I have a day of water fasting ahead of me, then I can eat on Wednesday. So I just have to look forward to Wednesday, and get through today somehow. I'm not yet back in the restricting/fasting swing of things. It takes me a while to settle in, before it gets easy again. But I will be strong. I will not eat. Besides, I have another hour of exercise, 6 litres of water, and a procrastinator's challenge to plan for this day! That'll keep me busy enough without thinking of eating. | | Sunday, August 3rd, 2003 | | 8:12 pm |
28 day challenge
I am joining the 28-day-challenge in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=88.8) thinspiring. For my meal plan, I've modified the old fasting schedule Angella and I used to use in high school, and I start tomorrow. Food2 points -- staying within calorie plan (just water on fasting days) 1 point -- going over daily calories up to 1000 (or drinking juice on fasting days) 0 points -- bad day If you eat a little extra food, you can exercise extra to make up for the food points. 30 minutes for every 150 calories. You have to decide if it's worth it. Water2 points -- over 6 litres, 2 points. 1 point -- 2.5 litres to 6 litres 0 points -- less than 2.5 litres Exercise2 points --- 60 minutes 1 point --- 30-60 minutes 0 points ---under 30 minutes You get a "Get out of exercise free" card to use once a week. Self Esteem Challenge2 points --- accomplishing self esteem challenge of the day. These points can be made up on Makeup Sundays. Post2 points --- posting your numbers, and how you did on daily self-esteem challenge Numbers: challenge day/total pounds lost/total points earned. ======================================== ===== Saftey Clause::::THIS IS SERIOUSThe Day(s) of Amnesty..If you are having a bad day..weak..tired..getting ill.. STOP take the day off.. Eat "normally" and get yourself together. You get 10 points for recognizing your body's signals.. If you don't feel good about taking 10 points for being sick..remember that SUNDAY is make up day! ======================================== ===== This is my meal plan and schedule, and also where I can keep track of my progress: 1/0/102 points Food-- 1 weiner, 1 raw carrot 2 points Water--6 litres 2 points Exercise--ballet 30min yoga 30min 2 points Celebrate Me--hair treatment 2 points Post 2. Fasting 1 --- Procrastinator's Anonymous Tuesday 5th AugustFood 1 point--Water (3 litres) Exercise Procrastinator's challenge Post 3. 200 calories --- Random Act of Kindness Wednesday 6th August 4. Fasting 1 ---Try It Thursday 7th August 5. Fasting 2 --- Fun Friday 8th August 6. 300 calories --- Cleaning Out the Cobwebs Saturday 9th August 7. Fasting 1 --- Makeup Sunday 10th August 8. Fasting 2 --- Celebrate Me Monday 11th August 9. Fasting 3 --- Procrastinator's Anonymous Tuesday 12th August 10. 400 calories --- Random Act of Kindness Wednesday 13th August 11. Fasting 1 --- Try It Thursday 14th August 12. Fasting 2 --- Fun Friday 15th August 13. Fasting 3 --- Cleaning Out the Cobwebs Saturday 16th August 14. Fasting 4 --- Makeup Sunday 17th August 15. 500 calories --- Celebrate Me Monday 18th August 16. Fasting 1 --- Procrastinator's Anonymous Tuesday 19th August 17. Fasting 2 --- Random Act of Kindness Wednesday 20th August 18. Fasting 3 --- Try It Thursday 21st August 19. Fasting 4 --- Fun Friday 22nd August 20. Fasting 5 --- Cleaning Out the Cobwebs Saturday 23rd August 21. 600 calories --- Makeup Sunday 24th August 22. Fasting 1 --- Celebrate Me Monday 25th August 23. Fasting 2 --- Procrastinator's Anonymous Tuesday 26th August 24. Fasting 3 --- Random Act of Kindness Wednesday 27th August 25. Fasting 4 --- Try It Thursday 28th August 26. Fasting 5 --- Fun Friday 29th August 27. Fasting 6 --- Cleaning Out the Cobwebs Saturday 30th August 28. 700 calories --- Makeup Sunday 31st August |
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